Our Little Love Bug

Sorry for disappearing for a bit! Let’s just say the past few weeks have been very busy.

Four weeks ago at the beginning of my 2ww I had the pleasure of watching the two little ones I nanny for 5 full days while their parents were in Jamaica. I loved every minute! That same weekend we got news that my husband’s brother and his family weren’t doing so well. They have had such a rough go of it since he left the Army almost two years ago. Within a couple of days it was decided that they would be driving from Colorado to where we live in Ohio to live with us. So, three weeks ago our home went from two people (my husband and myself) and one dog to seven people and two dogs. Talk about an adjustment! So even though I wish I could have kept up with my blog during these past few weeks, well… our lives have changed dramatically, so I’m sure you all understand.

Now let’s get to the really good stuff…

Right around the time our family arrived, I decided that I wanted to start testing out my trigger. I was about 6dpo/7dpt when I started testing. I knew starting that early that it would still be in my system, so I would be able to track it fading out… and hopefully back in again. The second line was still pretty significant at 7dpt, but it started fading as the days progressed. During this time I was so busy getting everything in the house set for everyone, including 3 wonderful kiddos, that I didn’t obsess over the tests like I have the previous cycles. Even with everything going on around me, I felt a great sense of peace the entire 2ww.

About 9dpo/10dpt the line started to really fade. On one test I took I could barely see a shadow. I know most people have metabolized the trigger around this time, so I was thankful my body was responding normally. By 10dpo I knew the trigger was out of my system. Which brings us to 11dpo/12dpt… when the line came back. It was still super faint, but we were very hopeful given the cramping I had around 6/7dpo. I pulled out my FRER the next day and got a positive, which is when I called it in to my RE. I was shocked when the nurse let me come in for a beta at 12dpo/13dpt given they told me to not even test until 16dpo, but I was so anxious to hear my HCG level and get the reassurance my heart needed that everything was okay. After my first beta I had two more, which is when it started to sink in more-

12dpo: HCG= 64 Progesterone= 47

14dpo: HCG= 131

16dpo: HCG= 339

My doctor said she was very pleased with the progress and my numbers. To top it all off- yesterday was our first ultrasound at 5wks4d! We got to see one beautiful gestational sac and yolk sac measuring right on target. I could not be more thankful for where we are. I pray every morning and every night for continued growth and safety for this little one. I know nothing is guaranteed and I don’t take a second of this experience for granted. It still feels so surreal that we are in this place right now, but I am so grateful.

Our due date is 10/23/2014 – Just one week before my birthday!

God is so good! Don’t ever give up on hope.. miracles happen every day!

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Trigger Happy

I know this will be pretty short and sweet, but I wanted to give an update. 🙂

This morning was my cd12 ultrasound! I received my trigger shot in the mail over the weekend and ever since I opened it I found myself getting more and more anxious about today. Both excitement and nerves kept me up all night, so I was more than ready to find out how my body responded to clomid.

Clearly, as stated in the title- I got my trigger shot today! The doctor did the ultrasound fairly quickly, which I can’t really complain about. But, being this was my first time I was asking a lot of questions and he was kind enough to answer them.

Here is what we got:

Lining= 9mm
Right ovary = 22mm, 15mm

Righty.. Overachiever 😉

He did say there were a few 14’s that might get big enough, but overall he said he was very happy to see the 22mm, & so was I!!

You go through all of the side effects of these meds, the emotional ups and downs- all the while hoping and praying that it is working, but not knowing… it’s really just another rollercoaster on this journey. Through it all, I really had no idea how my body respond, but I am feeling very blessed!

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We are one step closer…

Valentine’s Day… I’m coming for you!!

Blessings & Timing

Do you ever wish you could know what was going to happen and when it was happening? I find myself feeling like this quite a bit. I will be the first to admit that when we initially made our appointment back in September to see Dr. M I really thought we would be starting treatment the next month, if not right away. Then we found out about all the tests that we still needed and how much it was going to cost. As MANY of you know and unfortunately have to deal with, infertility is not an area insurance companies like to cover, or even really assist with. Knowing this, we had saved up some money and decided to move forward with the tests. My husband just graduated Paramedic school at the time and he was looking for new jobs that included benefits. Up to that point we had the lovely experience of going private for insurance- they didn’t even cover regular doctor appointments! Needless to say, we were praying hard for a new job to open up for him as we embarked into fertility treatments.

We got the call in October where he was offered a full-time position in the ER at the major Level 1 Trauma Center. We were so excited!! The only issue was that he wouldn’t start until the first week in November and our insurance would then start up in December. I was so anxious to start treatment with our October cycle, or even November… But December? It was a hard pill to swallow considering how long we had been waiting to finally get to the RE, but we were more than thankful for the new position and all the doors it would open. With that said, we still planned on doing one cycle of clomid before the insurance, even if we paid out of pocket. After that we would wait until the coverage started, praying it would alleviate at least some of the financial burden.

To our great surprise however, we got our BFP the week before he started the new job. Oh what a magical weekend that was! Unfortunately we learned early on that the pregnancy was not progressing like it should. I actually found out I was miscarrying on his first day at the hospital. Our joy soon turned into great heartbreak. In an attempt to give ourselves time to grieve and be healed we put off starting treatment indefinitely. I’m very glad we did, too. We grew so much closer during that time, leaning on each other for support.

December came and we were discussing our options again. We agreed to try one more natural cycle and then go back to the RE. Which leads us to here and now- two and a half months after our loss. Yesterday was my baseline ultrasound and last night I took my first dose of 50mg Clomid. I go back next week for another ultrasound and my trigger shot. We are now on track to *hopefully* see those two pink lines on Valentine’s Day! It feels surreal to be here, but we are as hopeful as ever.

There were times I really felt I couldn’t go forward… The heartbreak was too much and fear of another loss was almost crippling. But here we are.. I took my fears and laid them at the feet of my Father. I’m still a work in progress and I continue to struggle with those thoughts, but then He reminds me in subtle and not-so-subtle ways “I’ve got you” and the fear starts to dissipate.

Just yesterday I picked up my prescriptions I looked down at my receipt to see this…

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I’ve got you

God never ceases to amaze me with His perfect timing and bountiful blessings. He brought my husband’s job into our lives right when we needed it, He picked up our broken hearts as we grieved the loss of our first baby, and He is ever-present here now as we pursue treatment for our miracle. I really couldn’t ask for more.

God is good.

Clomid’s Eve

Well, here we are. As I sit here tonight to write this post I have so many emotions flowing through me. These past few months have contained so much joy and sadness. To be honest, a lot of the time the lines between them start to blur- becoming what I know as bittersweet. Yesterday was one of those days.

It was less than a week ago that I finally got a blaring positive opk.  For those of you who recall, last time this happened was in October (our BFP cycle). My heart leapt- I just knew this was it! We decided that this would be our last natural cycle before we pursue treatment and we were so hopeful, knowing a provera-induced cycle has been shown to make me ovulate. Everything was lining up, until yesterday morning that is.

At 4/5dpo I started spotting. The hopeful part of me was thinking… Oh, implantation!! But the rest of me knew something wasn’t right, especially given how early it was happening. I called my nurse, who asked me if it was CD1 or not. Clearly I was calling to get that answer from her, but there really wasn’t much they could do unless I waited a few days or declared it a new cycle myself. Normally this wouldn’t be an issue… But timing is everything if you’re going into a medicated cycle. So as the afternoon went on and the spotting picked up even more, I called it in. My nurse promptly made me an appointment for Sunday morning and we got the ball rolling so I could start clomid this month.

As frustrating as it was that my two week wait ended so abruptly and with so much confusion, I am at peace. I have no idea what happened this past cycle or why it only lasted 23 days, but we are hopeful for what’s to come! Tomorrow I will go in for my cd3 ultrasound and will hopefully be given the all clear to get my prescriptions. If you’re wondering what the plan for this cycle is, check it out HERE. Everything should be the same, but I’m sure I’ll get more information tomorrow and will come back to update.

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A few months ago I bought these two picture frames. I really had no idea what I wanted to put in them so I left them empty, but I keep them on our mantel as good reminders. The past couple days I have walked by them I keep picturing our first ultrasound photos going in them, and my heart is so happy. Oh, how excited I am for that day!

Just because the road you are on takes an unexpected turn doesn’t mean the drive has to be over. So here we go..  believing our dream, our miracle, is coming soon!

 

What If…?

I can’t remember the last time I didn’t plan something around the “what if” in life. You know, that question in the back of your mind where you end up thinking of each scenario that could play out. I am a planner by nature and I do my best to look at every angle and possible outcome of a decision before I make it. But even with all the planning in the world, there is always going to be a degree of uncertainty- the part you just can’t plan for.

Time and time again I am shown that even when I try my hardest to account for anything and everything that could result from a certain decision, or action, life doesn’t always go as planned. Clearly these past few weeks have been a perfect illustration of that. Earlier this year I was wondering…

“What if we aren’t meant to go into treatment after my husband graduates?”

“What if the medication doesn’t work?”

“What if we don’t have the money to pursue it?”

“What if we’re rushing this?”

Then we finally got to the point where the “what if’s” started to change. We felt like God was giving us the green light to go into treatment. My husband graduated and received an amazing opportunity for a new job with great benefits. I felt confident and excited for what was to come. Everything was lining up and going according to “plan”, until it didn’t.

The unknown, our sweet sweet blessing, came to us after 22 months of waiting… and was gone just a short week later. The “what if” of getting pregnant, and miscarrying, the same week we were suppose to start treatment was not on my radar. It just wasn’t. Like I said… life doesn’t always go according to plan. Would I prefer to be in the middle of a clomid cycle right now? Honestly…no. A month ago I would have told you that is where I would be. Two weeks ago I would have a huge smile on my face and tell you that we didn’t need to. But now… now I’m in this confusing limbo of grief and anticipation. I have this whole new bundle of “what if’s” that keep me up at night. In all the years of planning and waiting, I can honestly say I’ve never been right here before and I’m not sure what to do… so I’ve been praying, a lot.

Earlier this year I was accepted into one of the best nursing schools in the state. Immediately the “what if’s” started to flood in, but the main one being- “What if we’re pregnant by then?”. I’ve been working towards my degree for the past 3 years with a mixture of full-time, part-time, and online classes due to our wedding, moving, and finances. I had been waiting for this moment for years, only to end up second guessing it because of the unknown of if/when we would conceive. Hundreds of students apply for this specific program, but they can only select a couple dozen each year. I went as far as putting down a deposit in the Spring so I could start the semester in August this year, but I ended up giving up my spot and taking the deposit back. My heart was in it, just not as much as wanting a baby and I just couldn’t go into it like that.

So here I am, still waiting and praying for our little family to expand. I feel as if I have put everything else on hold these past two years in an effort to focus on our attempts, get healthy, and relax. I have made small steps towards my end goals, but nothing compared to the strides I could have made. With that said, I don’t regret not going to nursing school this year and in all honesty I think I would be fine if I didn’t go next year, but this holding my breath business… living in fear of the “what if’s“, I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t believe that’s where God has called me to be. I know He has SO much more in store!

And with that… I am applying to nursing school, again. My hope is to start in May 2014, which will put my graduation date in May 2016. Understandably, they have a very intense schedule and I would end up quitting my job to go full time, but thankfully my husband is more than supportive. This is my attempt at letting go and jumping in head first. There is no guarantee of tomorrow, next month, continued health, or plans to go accordingly. I feel as though I know this better now than any other time in my life and I’m just not willing to let another great opportunity pass by because of the “what if’s“. I’m giving those up to God- they will not control me any more. One step at a time, that’s all I can do and if in the end it is meant to be… it will be.

“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9

#infertility

 

About seven weeks ago I found myself on Instagram and every once in a while I would type in “infertility” to see if I could find anyone going through the same things I was. Let’s just say I was surprised when I saw that there were over 10,000 posts on just that one tag. I knew there were support groups online and in certain counseling groups, but I had never imagined to find one on IG. For weeks before I ended up making a TTC-only account, I would follow these women who would post very personal information about their lives and struggles. I found myself praying for them. Even more so, I was thinking about and praying for their stories sometimes more often than my own. So I decided to dive in with them.

My world has changed so much since I found this group of women. I tell them all the time that I wish it was under different circumstances! But regardless, they are some of the strongest women I have ever met. I love them! Each and every one of them. In six weeks time I have shared two (failed) cycles, an OBGYN appt, my husband’s emergency surgery, the decision to move on to an RE, and the loss of my grandfather. I have shared date nights, our 2 year anniversary, my husband’s birthday, and plenty of puppy pictures! With all of that, the one thing that stands out the most is that I have shared LOVE and I have received it, 1000x over! I never expected to find such an amazing group of women who are willing to take the time out of their days, their struggles, their pain- and pray for me. I cannot thank them enough!

I know God has placed us in each others lives at this specific time for a very special reason. I look forward to logging on every morning and checking on “my girls”. I get excited going to the mailbox,  knowing that it’s not just bills in there anymore! Even better- I have a long list of prayers that I go through every day, specifically praying for what each sweet lady is going through on that day or week. Infertility is one of the absolute hardest things I have had to deal with so far and I would never wish it on anyone, but if there was a silver lining in all this.. it would be that God brings people into our lives right when we need them. Not late, not early. It is so difficult waiting, but we no longer have to wait alone. I have faith that God’s plan is better than any of us can imagine, but on the rough days.. where you just feel like giving up- that’s when you need someone else to lift you up and remind you. I’m so very grateful for the ladies God has brought into my life during this time. I love seeing how our friendships have blossomed in just a matter of weeks & I know He is not finished yet!

 

Take a Step Back

You know how when you were little and your parents would always want you to step back from the edge, to move back away from danger and closer to what they deem as “safe”…

Well that’s where I am at right now. I’m on the ledge and I can feel how close the danger zone is.. It’s almost unbearable at times.

This cycle was unsuccessful, again.

So what can I do now??

I am taking a step back. To get back to the “safe” zone where infertility doesn’t run my life. I know it’s a part of my story now.. But it is not who I am.

So I choose hope. I choose to trust God and His timing, because my heart is just too involved in this. I choose to let go as best I can. I choose my husband. I choose to be the wife he needs me to be, not the obsessive emotional woman I have become in the past year. I choose happiness and joy, the kind that can only be received through Him.

My Father has put his hand on me and lovingly told me to step back. & I am listening.