Blessings & Timing

Do you ever wish you could know what was going to happen and when it was happening? I find myself feeling like this quite a bit. I will be the first to admit that when we initially made our appointment back in September to see Dr. M I really thought we would be starting treatment the next month, if not right away. Then we found out about all the tests that we still needed and how much it was going to cost. As MANY of you know and unfortunately have to deal with, infertility is not an area insurance companies like to cover, or even really assist with. Knowing this, we had saved up some money and decided to move forward with the tests. My husband just graduated Paramedic school at the time and he was looking for new jobs that included benefits. Up to that point we had the lovely experience of going private for insurance- they didn’t even cover regular doctor appointments! Needless to say, we were praying hard for a new job to open up for him as we embarked into fertility treatments.

We got the call in October where he was offered a full-time position in the ER at the major Level 1 Trauma Center. We were so excited!! The only issue was that he wouldn’t start until the first week in November and our insurance would then start up in December. I was so anxious to start treatment with our October cycle, or even November… But December? It was a hard pill to swallow considering how long we had been waiting to finally get to the RE, but we were more than thankful for the new position and all the doors it would open. With that said, we still planned on doing one cycle of clomid before the insurance, even if we paid out of pocket. After that we would wait until the coverage started, praying it would alleviate at least some of the financial burden.

To our great surprise however, we got our BFP the week before he started the new job. Oh what a magical weekend that was! Unfortunately we learned early on that the pregnancy was not progressing like it should. I actually found out I was miscarrying on his first day at the hospital. Our joy soon turned into great heartbreak. In an attempt to give ourselves time to grieve and be healed we put off starting treatment indefinitely. I’m very glad we did, too. We grew so much closer during that time, leaning on each other for support.

December came and we were discussing our options again. We agreed to try one more natural cycle and then go back to the RE. Which leads us to here and now- two and a half months after our loss. Yesterday was my baseline ultrasound and last night I took my first dose of 50mg Clomid. I go back next week for another ultrasound and my trigger shot. We are now on track to *hopefully* see those two pink lines on Valentine’s Day! It feels surreal to be here, but we are as hopeful as ever.

There were times I really felt I couldn’t go forward… The heartbreak was too much and fear of another loss was almost crippling. But here we are.. I took my fears and laid them at the feet of my Father. I’m still a work in progress and I continue to struggle with those thoughts, but then He reminds me in subtle and not-so-subtle ways “I’ve got you” and the fear starts to dissipate.

Just yesterday I picked up my prescriptions I looked down at my receipt to see this…

image

I’ve got you

God never ceases to amaze me with His perfect timing and bountiful blessings. He brought my husband’s job into our lives right when we needed it, He picked up our broken hearts as we grieved the loss of our first baby, and He is ever-present here now as we pursue treatment for our miracle. I really couldn’t ask for more.

God is good.

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Take a Step Back

You know how when you were little and your parents would always want you to step back from the edge, to move back away from danger and closer to what they deem as “safe”…

Well that’s where I am at right now. I’m on the ledge and I can feel how close the danger zone is.. It’s almost unbearable at times.

This cycle was unsuccessful, again.

So what can I do now??

I am taking a step back. To get back to the “safe” zone where infertility doesn’t run my life. I know it’s a part of my story now.. But it is not who I am.

So I choose hope. I choose to trust God and His timing, because my heart is just too involved in this. I choose to let go as best I can. I choose my husband. I choose to be the wife he needs me to be, not the obsessive emotional woman I have become in the past year. I choose happiness and joy, the kind that can only be received through Him.

My Father has put his hand on me and lovingly told me to step back. & I am listening.