HSG Complete!

 

Good news… I survived the HSG!

In all seriousness though, the anxiety really was the worst part. I’m not a huge fan of regular exams, so when you add in the horror stories I’ve read and heard in the past few weeks.. not pretty. I’m so very thankful, and counting my blessings, that I do not have one of those stories to share.

The day of the procedure I made sure to take pain medicine before heading to the surgery center. I even remembered to not go to the bathroom until I got there since I would have to provide a sample for the required pregnancy test. So besides my very uncomfortably full bladder, I was doing just fine in the waiting area. It wasn’t until I was taken back to “pre-op” that my nerves started kicking in.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I like hospitals and doctors offices. But this was different. I felt… vulnerable. The nurse took my vitals and we had a short chuckle about maybe needing a child’s cuff to take my blood pressure (we didn’t). We were back there for 10-15 minutes getting things settled. There was a lot of hustle and bustle on the other side of the curtain, and I think the combination of it all definitely explains why my heart rate was sitting pretty in the 90’s . Before the nurse left, she placed a warm blanket across my lap and said she was going to tell my husband he could come back. As soon as the curtain closed behind her I had to fight hard not to cry. I knew if I started crying then it would just get worse when my husband came back and I would be a blubbering mess before the doctor even arrived. Can I just say- I thank God for my husband! He could tell I was as nervous as could be, and in his lighthearted nature, he started cracking jokes. I am so grateful he was able to come with me!

I’m pretty sure they were running behind schedule that day, because my doctor didn’t even come in until 25 minutes past my time slot. I gave my hubby a quick kiss and walked over to the procedure room with my doctor and the tech. From the time the door closed to when I was walking back out of that room, I would have to say it was a total of 5-6 minutes. The procedure itself took maybe 2 minutes, with the dye part only lasting seconds. It was uncomfortable, very uncomfortable. Many ladies told me it would feel like menstrual cramps, and it did. I think the most painful thing for me was when she had to turn the catheter around when she found out I have a retroverted uterus. Other than that, I wouldn’t call it a “fun” experience, but I’m glad we had it done.

Oh… and the news I know you’re all wanting-

 

OPEN TUBES!

 

Yeah, I’m pretty excited about that too. It was amazing to see the dye move on the x-ray screen. It was so quick, but thankfully they printed off images to look at later. Dr. M seemed pleased with the results, which is good! She said she would go over it in detail during our next appointment, so I’m very anxious to hear everything.

Due to scheduling conflicts concerning my hubby’s new schedule we had to make an appointment for the 25th, which is only just over a week away now! Instead of the office a few minutes down the street, we are making the trek two hours away to see our doctor at her main office in Akron. We will be going over all the results- my blood work, hubby’s SA, and the HSG. We will also be talking game plan! My hubby and I have been praying over this appointment for a long time, and no matter the results- we know it’s all in God’s hands and we take great comfort in that. Right now we are praising Him for the good news the HSG has brought & my hubby’s new job that comes with health insurance! Each piece of the puzzle comes right when it is meant to… and it is getting more beautiful by the day.

 

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#infertility

 

About seven weeks ago I found myself on Instagram and every once in a while I would type in “infertility” to see if I could find anyone going through the same things I was. Let’s just say I was surprised when I saw that there were over 10,000 posts on just that one tag. I knew there were support groups online and in certain counseling groups, but I had never imagined to find one on IG. For weeks before I ended up making a TTC-only account, I would follow these women who would post very personal information about their lives and struggles. I found myself praying for them. Even more so, I was thinking about and praying for their stories sometimes more often than my own. So I decided to dive in with them.

My world has changed so much since I found this group of women. I tell them all the time that I wish it was under different circumstances! But regardless, they are some of the strongest women I have ever met. I love them! Each and every one of them. In six weeks time I have shared two (failed) cycles, an OBGYN appt, my husband’s emergency surgery, the decision to move on to an RE, and the loss of my grandfather. I have shared date nights, our 2 year anniversary, my husband’s birthday, and plenty of puppy pictures! With all of that, the one thing that stands out the most is that I have shared LOVE and I have received it, 1000x over! I never expected to find such an amazing group of women who are willing to take the time out of their days, their struggles, their pain- and pray for me. I cannot thank them enough!

I know God has placed us in each others lives at this specific time for a very special reason. I look forward to logging on every morning and checking on “my girls”. I get excited going to the mailbox,  knowing that it’s not just bills in there anymore! Even better- I have a long list of prayers that I go through every day, specifically praying for what each sweet lady is going through on that day or week. Infertility is one of the absolute hardest things I have had to deal with so far and I would never wish it on anyone, but if there was a silver lining in all this.. it would be that God brings people into our lives right when we need them. Not late, not early. It is so difficult waiting, but we no longer have to wait alone. I have faith that God’s plan is better than any of us can imagine, but on the rough days.. where you just feel like giving up- that’s when you need someone else to lift you up and remind you. I’m so very grateful for the ladies God has brought into my life during this time. I love seeing how our friendships have blossomed in just a matter of weeks & I know He is not finished yet!

 

Take a Step Back

You know how when you were little and your parents would always want you to step back from the edge, to move back away from danger and closer to what they deem as “safe”…

Well that’s where I am at right now. I’m on the ledge and I can feel how close the danger zone is.. It’s almost unbearable at times.

This cycle was unsuccessful, again.

So what can I do now??

I am taking a step back. To get back to the “safe” zone where infertility doesn’t run my life. I know it’s a part of my story now.. But it is not who I am.

So I choose hope. I choose to trust God and His timing, because my heart is just too involved in this. I choose to let go as best I can. I choose my husband. I choose to be the wife he needs me to be, not the obsessive emotional woman I have become in the past year. I choose happiness and joy, the kind that can only be received through Him.

My Father has put his hand on me and lovingly told me to step back. & I am listening.

Let Go & Let God

The hubs and I have been trying to figure out our “next step” for the past couple weeks. We haven’t set anything in concrete though, because honestly…

We don’t know.

I am so thankful that there are options out there. Yet, part of me is still holding out hope I can get my body to respond to natural treatments and healthy living since my blood results and tests have come back normal every time. That would be ideal. However, maybe we will have to go down the medical route.. Perhaps sooner than later.

Infertility brings a whole range of emotions. Many of which I am all too familiar with now. Just this past weekend I melted in my husbands arms, and he held me while the tears ran down my face.

It’s exhausting. Sometimes to the point where you just want to stay in bed. But you can’t- you still have a life to live.

Even amidst the pain and struggle, there are a multitude of everyday blessings we already have. Let me tell you, it is worth it to let go & let God. What good does it does it add to our lives to focus on the negative? So there… I say go ahead and have a good cry, or even scream into a pillow. This journey isn’t easy & it sure isn’t fun, but we are far from alone!

I have played this song every day for the past few weeks and I plan on continuing to for some time to come. ~(Help Me Find It- Sidewalk Prophets)~ I hope it brings some comfort to your heart today.

He will help us find whatever path to take. I truly believe that.

TTC update Temps are showing that we are officially in the tww  of the second cycle on Vitex. This is the earliest recorded O for me, at cd34. God is bigger than any obstacle we encounter! Praising Him.

What I Can’t Do

Since being diagnosed with PCOS I have-

Become a vegetarian
Bought organic food
Taken 5+ vitamins/supplements daily
Started Maca Root Powder & Vitex
Added mild exercise 5 days a week
Gained about 5 lbs to increase my BMI
Postponed nursing school to focus on stress relief
Tracked my cycles, intimacy, and BBT
Avoided toxins, caffeine, alcohol, and continually trying to rid my home of chemicals.

I have laughed. I have cried. I have screamed. I have loved. I have lost.I have been tested. I have prayed. I have grown.

But the struggle… The constant pulling and aching at my heart does not go away. My cycles are still nowhere near “normal”. Regardless of all that I have done, I am sitting here with an empty womb and  the sadness sets in.

Then I’m reminded of this..

image

I can’t fix my body. I can’t heal my own hurt. But He can.

Holding fast to His love.

Refresh and Restore

It’s been a while since I last posted… Sorry for that. Part of it was that I was crazy busy and the other part being the emotional roller coaster that has become my life. When you embark on this journey of infertility, albeit one no one should ever have to go on, sometimes there are just no words. No words for how you feel, no words that can make you feel better, just silence. That’s where I was for the past month and a half- just trying to navigate through murky waters.

Yet here I am! I have managed to  make it to the surface in one piece, or so it seems right now at least. I have been in some of the darkest places of my life in the past few months, feeling so alone and so betrayed by my own body. I firmly believe now that one cannot understand the full range of emotions that comes along with infertility unless they have been there. And I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemies (as if those exist). Hence why when my friends try to comfort me their words fall on seemingly deaf ears. No matter how hard anyone tried, I still felt profoundly alone in this process. Even with the immense amount of support and love from my husband, it just didn’t seem like enough in those dark times.

I am here to tell you that there is something.. Someone who is enough, more than enough! This pain I feel is real, the heartache, the longing. It does not go away when I am happy, but I can cope with it a lot better now and this is why..

I downloaded an app on my phone called Daughters of the King: Daily Devotionals. Let me tell you, friends, its a good one. While on this constant ride I want oh so desperately to get off of.. I find that its really hard for me to think about anything not fertility related. It has become my life, despite my attempts against it. This devotional has helped me take a little time each day and just be  with God. One of my favorites came last week and it read-

He wants to restore you. Things that are just not true and all of the lies and deception of the enemy, God washes it all away with the water of His Word. He will refresh you and restore you back to His love and grace. Only God can do it. Only He can restore your soul, rekindle your passion for Him, give you healthy emotions, and make your worship to Him through your heart and life beautiful and sweet again.”

How beautiful is that! Look at it again.. Let it sink in.

He wants to restore you, to refresh you.

Sign me up for that!

So take comfort, in the midst of the heartache and the loneliness that you might be feeling, you are not alone. You will be restored and refreshed, your life will be beautiful! The dark days will come to an end and there will be a joy we have never felt. If you are in one of the dark places right now.. You will come out on the other end. Even when I thought it wasn’t possible, I managed it. Surround yourself with uplifting supportive people, and sisters. Don’t try to go through this journey alone. As much as our loved ones are there for us.. Ladies that are TTC need to stick together. There is strength in numbers, and the ability to truly relate to one another. If you need to be picked up, grab a hand. Don’t be shy, we all need a friend.

–On the TTC front we are somewhere in the middle of the ocean without a glimpse of land yet. I received yet another holiday present from mother nature (Memorial Day) and bbt isn’t showing any spike yet. I’m already at cd25… But I didn’t even ovulate until cd42 last cycle. Let me tell you- Vitex needs to start working! 😉 I have my annual appt with my OBGYN on August 2nd, looks like I’ll be asking about ‘next steps’ with her if we don’t get any good news before then. Thankfully this summer is busy and full of fun events to keep me occupied for the most part. 🙂