What If…?

I can’t remember the last time I didn’t plan something around the “what if” in life. You know, that question in the back of your mind where you end up thinking of each scenario that could play out. I am a planner by nature and I do my best to look at every angle and possible outcome of a decision before I make it. But even with all the planning in the world, there is always going to be a degree of uncertainty- the part you just can’t plan for.

Time and time again I am shown that even when I try my hardest to account for anything and everything that could result from a certain decision, or action, life doesn’t always go as planned. Clearly these past few weeks have been a perfect illustration of that. Earlier this year I was wondering…

“What if we aren’t meant to go into treatment after my husband graduates?”

“What if the medication doesn’t work?”

“What if we don’t have the money to pursue it?”

“What if we’re rushing this?”

Then we finally got to the point where the “what if’s” started to change. We felt like God was giving us the green light to go into treatment. My husband graduated and received an amazing opportunity for a new job with great benefits. I felt confident and excited for what was to come. Everything was lining up and going according to “plan”, until it didn’t.

The unknown, our sweet sweet blessing, came to us after 22 months of waiting… and was gone just a short week later. The “what if” of getting pregnant, and miscarrying, the same week we were suppose to start treatment was not on my radar. It just wasn’t. Like I said… life doesn’t always go according to plan. Would I prefer to be in the middle of a clomid cycle right now? Honestly…no. A month ago I would have told you that is where I would be. Two weeks ago I would have a huge smile on my face and tell you that we didn’t need to. But now… now I’m in this confusing limbo of grief and anticipation. I have this whole new bundle of “what if’s” that keep me up at night. In all the years of planning and waiting, I can honestly say I’ve never been right here before and I’m not sure what to do… so I’ve been praying, a lot.

Earlier this year I was accepted into one of the best nursing schools in the state. Immediately the “what if’s” started to flood in, but the main one being- “What if we’re pregnant by then?”. I’ve been working towards my degree for the past 3 years with a mixture of full-time, part-time, and online classes due to our wedding, moving, and finances. I had been waiting for this moment for years, only to end up second guessing it because of the unknown of if/when we would conceive. Hundreds of students apply for this specific program, but they can only select a couple dozen each year. I went as far as putting down a deposit in the Spring so I could start the semester in August this year, but I ended up giving up my spot and taking the deposit back. My heart was in it, just not as much as wanting a baby and I just couldn’t go into it like that.

So here I am, still waiting and praying for our little family to expand. I feel as if I have put everything else on hold these past two years in an effort to focus on our attempts, get healthy, and relax. I have made small steps towards my end goals, but nothing compared to the strides I could have made. With that said, I don’t regret not going to nursing school this year and in all honesty I think I would be fine if I didn’t go next year, but this holding my breath business… living in fear of the “what if’s“, I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t believe that’s where God has called me to be. I know He has SO much more in store!

And with that… I am applying to nursing school, again. My hope is to start in May 2014, which will put my graduation date in May 2016. Understandably, they have a very intense schedule and I would end up quitting my job to go full time, but thankfully my husband is more than supportive. This is my attempt at letting go and jumping in head first. There is no guarantee of tomorrow, next month, continued health, or plans to go accordingly. I feel as though I know this better now than any other time in my life and I’m just not willing to let another great opportunity pass by because of the “what if’s“. I’m giving those up to God- they will not control me any more. One step at a time, that’s all I can do and if in the end it is meant to be… it will be.

“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9

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