What If…?

I can’t remember the last time I didn’t plan something around the “what if” in life. You know, that question in the back of your mind where you end up thinking of each scenario that could play out. I am a planner by nature and I do my best to look at every angle and possible outcome of a decision before I make it. But even with all the planning in the world, there is always going to be a degree of uncertainty- the part you just can’t plan for.

Time and time again I am shown that even when I try my hardest to account for anything and everything that could result from a certain decision, or action, life doesn’t always go as planned. Clearly these past few weeks have been a perfect illustration of that. Earlier this year I was wondering…

“What if we aren’t meant to go into treatment after my husband graduates?”

“What if the medication doesn’t work?”

“What if we don’t have the money to pursue it?”

“What if we’re rushing this?”

Then we finally got to the point where the “what if’s” started to change. We felt like God was giving us the green light to go into treatment. My husband graduated and received an amazing opportunity for a new job with great benefits. I felt confident and excited for what was to come. Everything was lining up and going according to “plan”, until it didn’t.

The unknown, our sweet sweet blessing, came to us after 22 months of waiting… and was gone just a short week later. The “what if” of getting pregnant, and miscarrying, the same week we were suppose to start treatment was not on my radar. It just wasn’t. Like I said… life doesn’t always go according to plan. Would I prefer to be in the middle of a clomid cycle right now? Honestly…no. A month ago I would have told you that is where I would be. Two weeks ago I would have a huge smile on my face and tell you that we didn’t need to. But now… now I’m in this confusing limbo of grief and anticipation. I have this whole new bundle of “what if’s” that keep me up at night. In all the years of planning and waiting, I can honestly say I’ve never been right here before and I’m not sure what to do… so I’ve been praying, a lot.

Earlier this year I was accepted into one of the best nursing schools in the state. Immediately the “what if’s” started to flood in, but the main one being- “What if we’re pregnant by then?”. I’ve been working towards my degree for the past 3 years with a mixture of full-time, part-time, and online classes due to our wedding, moving, and finances. I had been waiting for this moment for years, only to end up second guessing it because of the unknown of if/when we would conceive. Hundreds of students apply for this specific program, but they can only select a couple dozen each year. I went as far as putting down a deposit in the Spring so I could start the semester in August this year, but I ended up giving up my spot and taking the deposit back. My heart was in it, just not as much as wanting a baby and I just couldn’t go into it like that.

So here I am, still waiting and praying for our little family to expand. I feel as if I have put everything else on hold these past two years in an effort to focus on our attempts, get healthy, and relax. I have made small steps towards my end goals, but nothing compared to the strides I could have made. With that said, I don’t regret not going to nursing school this year and in all honesty I think I would be fine if I didn’t go next year, but this holding my breath business… living in fear of the “what if’s“, I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t believe that’s where God has called me to be. I know He has SO much more in store!

And with that… I am applying to nursing school, again. My hope is to start in May 2014, which will put my graduation date in May 2016. Understandably, they have a very intense schedule and I would end up quitting my job to go full time, but thankfully my husband is more than supportive. This is my attempt at letting go and jumping in head first. There is no guarantee of tomorrow, next month, continued health, or plans to go accordingly. I feel as though I know this better now than any other time in my life and I’m just not willing to let another great opportunity pass by because of the “what if’s“. I’m giving those up to God- they will not control me any more. One step at a time, that’s all I can do and if in the end it is meant to be… it will be.

“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9


The Week I Was Pregnant..

Part of me wishes that I would have kept up with updating my blog throughout this past week. Yet, in all honesty I don’t know that it would be any easier to write this post if I had. I have always said that this journey has been a rollercoaster ride, but this past week has brought a whole new meaning to “highs” and “lows”.

As I have already stated, we just started working with an RE in September to complete more testing. A week and a half ago we had our follow-up meeting discussing our course of action, that was set to start this week. The part of the story I neglected to write about on here was that I received my very first positive opk on October 19th. This was the same cycle as my HSG, so we went into the two week wait with great anticipation of what God was going to do. We felt so positive and so excited! Little did we know that we were just then accelerating  to the peak of the rollercoaster ride.

On October 31st, (my birthday), all of our hopes, dreams, and prayers had been answered. The moment we have been waiting for, almost two years in the making, was here. I had taken a cheap internet test on the 30th, but knowing I was only 10dpo I couldn’t be sure if it was a faint line or just a very hopeful heart. The anticipation for the next morning was so great that I only slept a few hours. I can’t even begin to express the emotions that filled that morning. The waiting, the anticipation, the tears… those two pink lines made it all worth it.

To top of the best birthday present I could have ever hoped for, my husband had already planned a surprise getaway to Myrtle Beach for the next 4 days. Our hearts were so full- so expectant. The next few days were the most relaxing, absolutely full of joy. We were expecting! Each night we would pray together, thanking God for this huge blessing & every morning we would pray again, and my husband would kiss my belly. I can honestly say that it was the best vacation we have ever had, and I’m so grateful that we were able to experience it.

Sunday came and instead of being sad about going home, we were excited. My husband was scheduled to start his new job on Monday and I had called in to get my first beta done that same morning. We laid in bed Sunday evening talking about when we would announce, what names we liked, and how excited we were to see my belly grow. Sunday was our last day on the top of the rollercoaster…

Monday came and we waited, yet again, for blood results. I was roaming the aisles of Target when I got the call that afternoon. I had just finished looking through the baby clothes and made my way over to the food to buy all my “cravings”. My phone rang, and my heart jumped. I was so anxious to hear our numbers- to get the official confirmation of the tests I had been taking and the symptoms that were so clearly evident. Then the nurse told me our Hcg numbers and I asked her to repeat them because I thought for sure I had heard her wrong, but I didn’t.

At 15dpo my Hcg came back at 9.

The nurse tried to tell me that it could just be early, that the numbers could still increase and I would need to come back in 48 hours to check them again. My heart sank. I fought so hard to not just break down in the baking aisle as I ended the call. As hard as I tried, I just couldn’t hold back the tears. I ran out of Target as soon as I could and left my full cart just sitting there. I don’t even remember the ride home that day.

Now let me just say, I know that Hcg numbers have a huge range. I have heard stories of women coming back from low numbers and having successful pregnancies. I have no doubt in my mind that God could work a miracle, if that was in His plan. But in my own heart, I knew it was over. I had received multiple positives on 50 mIU/mL pregnancy tests over the weekend, even with a diluted sample. My symptoms came fast and strong… and they left just as quick. With all of this said, we were still hoping and praying for a miracle.

Monday night and Tuesday were especially hard for me. I fluctuated between hope and complete sadness. Knowing I would have to wait to find out if we were in fact miscarrying, or if the numbers would miraculously double was so difficult. Yesterday I went to work as usual, thinking I would be okay. By mid-morning I was getting strong cramps, and again I fell to my knees and cried out to God. I tried my best to stay positive. Just a few hours later I started shaking… then the spotting started.

I ended up going home shortly there after. I stayed in bed most of the day, hoping and praying that somehow it would help. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I didn’t want to stop fighting.

My hopes would climb when I noticed the spotting had stopped, only to be dashed again by the disappearing physical symptoms from pregnancy I had been so joyfully experiencing. I curled up into my husband’s arms last night and we prayed. I have always believed that God is the Great Comforter, the Healer. I have experienced His powerful peace during times of stress, and loss. I have been comforted by His loving grace. And as we started to pray, I thought for sure I would be begging for our baby to stay with us. I can’t lie, I really really wanted to. He knows our hearts, He knows where we have been and how much we’ve wanted this, but He also knows what is to come. So while we prayed for healing, we also prayed specifically for peace- whatever the outcome.

I can’t begin to try and understand why this would happen. I don’t pretend to know the answers. But I know that through it all- God is good. He never left us. He was there when we were praying for our future children. He was there through all the tests and tears. He was there when this life was conceived. He was there when we found out. He was there when we celebrated. And He is here now when we are grieving. He never left.

This morning I woke up to terrible cramps, nausea, and the sight no pregnant woman ever wants to see- bright red blood. I thought for sure I would fall into this deep depression, we had fallen to the low point of the rollercoaster after all. But instead, I feel a surreal, supernatural peace that I can’t even describe. The Great Comforter, our God, has swooped down and picked up our broken hearts, letting us know yet again that we are never alone- not even at we perceive to be our “lowest”.

This loss still hurts. The wound is still so fresh. I even still have the band-aid on my arm from my second beta this morning, and the positive hpt’s in my bathroom…

We aren’t sure where we go from here, but we are taking every step in faith. Our journey is not over yet, our God has such great things in store. And while we would have loved to experience this pregnancy for longer.. to hold our baby and tell him or her that we love them oh so much, we are thankful for the week we had. I can honestly say that we enjoyed and celebrated this life every second, from the very first moment we found out and saw that faint line.

I never knew what to say to someone who was experiencing such a loss, how to comfort them. To be honest, there isn’t much someone could say at this point that would make things “better”, I suppose that’s just how it is. But just knowing there are people out there thinking about us and praying for us means the world. Right now we are still waiting on our second beta results (I will update this afternoon). So please continue to pray for emotional and physical healing, guidance as we decide what to do next, & where God wants us.

Update- The nurse called and confirmed my Hcg is at zero. They offered for me to come in for a baseline ultrasound on Saturday so we could start treatment this cycle, but we denied. We have decided to take time to heal and focus on us. Again, trusting and believing that God will lead us where we should be.