When searching for a green light where do you go? When you find it, do you speed through it right away?
Six weeks ago, today, I sat in my regular OB/GYN’s office hoping for more answers. I suppose my expectations were too high, or maybe I just didn’t speak up enough. Whatever the case, I left that appointment with more questions and tears than I had going in.
I had been anxiously waiting for that appointment for months. My husband and I had been praying about it, and even though it was just an annual appointment, the plan was to finally bring up what our fertility options are. As soon as I had mentioned it, she questioned me as to why I would want to look into it at my age. And that, my friends, is when I started retreating back into my shell. Believe me- to even bring up the subject of pursuing more diagnostic testing or fertility treatments was not easy. No woman grows up thinking “This is how I want to start a family!” No, this was, and is, a very difficult and personal subject for me and my husband. One that has been prayed over, talked about, and thought through for almost two years now. Even in my efforts to explain to her, again, that my cycles are very irregular and none of the natural remedies or lifestyle changes helped in the least bit, she dismissed me saying that I should really think about what I want. Many other things were said that day that were very discouraging, but we’ll leave it at that.
When I was first diagnosed with PCOS in September 2012 I felt like I broke in two. Maybe it was my hormones, or the fact that the nurse told me my results over the phone ending with “I’m so so sorry”, but whatever the case I just fell apart. I wish I could say that I picked myself up right away, but I didn’t. It took a long time for me to come to terms with what my life story was becoming.. is becoming. Through it all, not once did I believe that God had forgotten about me though. Month after month I started noticing my prayers changing. Instead of being consumed with when we would get pregnant, I started praying for the Lord’s guidance in all areas of our lives.
My prayers started coming together this past February when I attended a women’s conference at my church that was life changing. At the end of the service they invited people up to the front to receive prayer. My heart had been heavy for so long, as if I were carrying a massive weight with me. Sometimes it had gotten so bad that it hurt to breathe. I could feel the Lord calling me up to receive prayer that night, but I had no idea what He had in store for me.
As I started walking up, my mom followed behind me. Up to this point she knew I had some issues with my cycles, but had no idea that we had been trying to conceive for over a year. We were greeted by this sweet older lady who gently placed her hand on my shoulder and asked in the most tender way what she could pray for. The only two words I could muster up were “infertility” and “hurting”. Now I don’t know how long we were standing there, I don’t remember all the words that were said, but I will never forget those moments. She nodded sympathetically and as a tear started falling from her face, she placed one hand over my uterus and started praying fervently. Soon after, my mom’s hands were over my stomach as well and the three of us were in tears just crying out to the Lord. After only a few moments, I felt this intense heat where their hands were placed. I wish I had a better way to describe it, but it was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. God’s presence was undeniable and I will forever be grateful that I followed His calling that evening.
Now did I get pregnant after that? No. Did my cycles regulate after that? No. Did the sadness go away? Somewhat. Although I sometimes wish things could fall on my timeline, I know God has my best interests at heart. I was able to experience that night because He orchestrated it. I am able to face each day because of the strength He gives me. And I truly believe that one day I will get to experience motherhood- because of Him.
With all of this- where does fertility treatment come in? I have battled this question for so long. I have struggled, prayed, and meditated over this exact question for almost two years. Does seeking fertility treatment mean that I lack faith that the Lord will bring us a child? Absolutely not. Does it mean that I don’t believe in His power to heal my body? Not a chance! Regardless if we conceive naturally, or with help, that blessing would be from God. I believe that with all my heart. We don’t know how far we are willing to go with medical assistance- we don’t even know if we will conceive with assistance. But in my heart, I know that we will be parents one day. Perhaps this is just the path that is laid out for us.
We have proceeded with a yellow light for so long, waiting for guidance on what to do next and when to do it. My husband originally said when we started trying to conceive that he felt that we shouldn’t seek help until after he was done with school. After over a year and half of negative tests and that very disappointing doctor’s appointment in August, I made a call in to the RE. And guess what- M graduated on 9/10 and the next appointment they had available was 9/16! The light finally turned green for us and I find myself full of hope and expectation. Not just because we are seeing a specialist and might finally get some more answers and help, but because I feel closer to God than ever before! Every day, every decision, every step we take we place in His hands. So here we have a green light for this next step and we are taking it, not because we want to “rush” the process, but because our hope and trust is in our Father.
Green light… GO!