You know how when you were little and your parents would always want you to step back from the edge, to move back away from danger and closer to what they deem as “safe”…
Well that’s where I am at right now. I’m on the ledge and I can feel how close the danger zone is.. It’s almost unbearable at times.
This cycle was unsuccessful, again.
So what can I do now??
I am taking a step back. To get back to the “safe” zone where infertility doesn’t run my life. I know it’s a part of my story now.. But it is not who I am.
So I choose hope. I choose to trust God and His timing, because my heart is just too involved in this. I choose to let go as best I can. I choose my husband. I choose to be the wife he needs me to be, not the obsessive emotional woman I have become in the past year. I choose happiness and joy, the kind that can only be received through Him.
My Father has put his hand on me and lovingly told me to step back. & I am listening.
The hubs and I have been trying to figure out our “next step” for the past couple weeks. We haven’t set anything in concrete though, because honestly…
We don’t know.
I am so thankful that there are options out there. Yet, part of me is still holding out hope I can get my body to respond to natural treatments and healthy living since my blood results and tests have come back normal every time. That would be ideal. However, maybe we will have to go down the medical route.. Perhaps sooner than later.
Infertility brings a whole range of emotions. Many of which I am all too familiar with now. Just this past weekend I melted in my husbands arms, and he held me while the tears ran down my face.
It’s exhausting. Sometimes to the point where you just want to stay in bed. But you can’t- you still have a life to live.
Even amidst the pain and struggle, there are a multitude of everyday blessings we already have. Let me tell you, it is worth it to let go & let God. What good does it does it add to our lives to focus on the negative? So there… I say go ahead and have a good cry, or even scream into a pillow. This journey isn’t easy & it sure isn’t fun, but we are far from alone!
I have played this song every day for the past few weeks and I plan on continuing to for some time to come. ~(Help Me Find It- Sidewalk Prophets)~ I hope it brings some comfort to your heart today.
He will help us find whatever path to take. I truly believe that.
TTC update– Temps are showing that we are officially in the tww of the second cycle on Vitex. This is the earliest recorded O for me, at cd34. God is bigger than any obstacle we encounter! Praising Him.