It’s been a while since I last posted… Sorry for that. Part of it was that I was crazy busy and the other part being the emotional roller coaster that has become my life. When you embark on this journey of infertility, albeit one no one should ever have to go on, sometimes there are just no words. No words for how you feel, no words that can make you feel better, just silence. That’s where I was for the past month and a half- just trying to navigate through murky waters.
Yet here I am! I have managed to make it to the surface in one piece, or so it seems right now at least. I have been in some of the darkest places of my life in the past few months, feeling so alone and so betrayed by my own body. I firmly believe now that one cannot understand the full range of emotions that comes along with infertility unless they have been there. And I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemies (as if those exist). Hence why when my friends try to comfort me their words fall on seemingly deaf ears. No matter how hard anyone tried, I still felt profoundly alone in this process. Even with the immense amount of support and love from my husband, it just didn’t seem like enough in those dark times.
I am here to tell you that there is something.. Someone who is enough, more than enough! This pain I feel is real, the heartache, the longing. It does not go away when I am happy, but I can cope with it a lot better now and this is why..
I downloaded an app on my phone called Daughters of the King: Daily Devotionals. Let me tell you, friends, its a good one. While on this constant ride I want oh so desperately to get off of.. I find that its really hard for me to think about anything not fertility related. It has become my life, despite my attempts against it. This devotional has helped me take a little time each day and just be with God. One of my favorites came last week and it read-
“ He wants to restore you. Things that are just not true and all of the lies and deception of the enemy, God washes it all away with the water of His Word. He will refresh you and restore you back to His love and grace. Only God can do it. Only He can restore your soul, rekindle your passion for Him, give you healthy emotions, and make your worship to Him through your heart and life beautiful and sweet again.”
How beautiful is that! Look at it again.. Let it sink in.
He wants to restore you, to refresh you.
Sign me up for that!
So take comfort, in the midst of the heartache and the loneliness that you might be feeling, you are not alone. You will be restored and refreshed, your life will be beautiful! The dark days will come to an end and there will be a joy we have never felt. If you are in one of the dark places right now.. You will come out on the other end. Even when I thought it wasn’t possible, I managed it. Surround yourself with uplifting supportive people, and sisters. Don’t try to go through this journey alone. As much as our loved ones are there for us.. Ladies that are TTC need to stick together. There is strength in numbers, and the ability to truly relate to one another. If you need to be picked up, grab a hand. Don’t be shy, we all need a friend.
–On the TTC front we are somewhere in the middle of the ocean without a glimpse of land yet. I received yet another holiday present from mother nature (Memorial Day) and bbt isn’t showing any spike yet. I’m already at cd25… But I didn’t even ovulate until cd42 last cycle. Let me tell you- Vitex needs to start working! 😉 I have my annual appt with my OBGYN on August 2nd, looks like I’ll be asking about ‘next steps’ with her if we don’t get any good news before then. Thankfully this summer is busy and full of fun events to keep me occupied for the most part. 🙂