What I Can’t Do

Since being diagnosed with PCOS I have-

Become a vegetarian
Bought organic food
Taken 5+ vitamins/supplements daily
Started Maca Root Powder & Vitex
Added mild exercise 5 days a week
Gained about 5 lbs to increase my BMI
Postponed nursing school to focus on stress relief
Tracked my cycles, intimacy, and BBT
Avoided toxins, caffeine, alcohol, and continually trying to rid my home of chemicals.

I have laughed. I have cried. I have screamed. I have loved. I have lost.I have been tested. I have prayed. I have grown.

But the struggle… The constant pulling and aching at my heart does not go away. My cycles are still nowhere near “normal”. Regardless of all that I have done, I am sitting here with an empty womb and  the sadness sets in.

Then I’m reminded of this..

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I can’t fix my body. I can’t heal my own hurt. But He can.

Holding fast to His love.

One Year

One year ago, today, my 11-month old puppy died. One year ago, my world almost fell apart. Her heart stopped, and I’m pretty sure mine did too.

To call it a freak accident would be an understatement. M and I took Sophie to the dog park to run around. She absolutely loved it! After about an hour we were heading back to the car. In a matter of seconds all the smiles went away and were replaced with fear.

On the walk back Sophie lifted up her front paw as if she stepped on something. After thoroughly checking it, there was nothing to be found. Then she started slowing down. And let me tell you, as an 11-month old yorkie-poodle she did not slow down for anything! By time we sat down with her outside the car she started puking.Naturally, I started thinking she ate something bad. But then she started having diarrhea at the same time. We knew something was wrong then. By time I got to pick her up her whole body went limp and she started losing color.

We rushed into the car, M started driving to the closest vet. My baby had no movement, her body completely limp. Her tongue lost all color. Then she stopped breathing. In my arms, her inhalations slowed  until her little ribs didn’t expand anymore. By this point I had already started CPR. Her heart stopped for maybe 30 seconds, or so M says, its still a bit fuzzy to me. She opened her eyes just as we pulled into the vets parking lot. We rushed her in and the vet took her to the back.

We didn’t get any answers for about 10 minutes. He came back out, and while I was fearing… Expecting the worst, he said she was still breathing! He gave her epi and a high dose of benedryl. We were then shipped off to the actual animal hospital in the city where they hooked her up to an IV and continued more meds. She stayed in the ICU overnight. Amazingly, she was released the very next day.

You would think that with all that we went through we would have answers. I mean, that’s what you expect, right? There were no answers for us. The episode that happened to her is referred to as extreme anaphylaxis. Something happened, whether that be a bug bite, or sting, that caused her body to go into complete shock and her heart stopped. We don’t know what caused it, we don’t know if it will ever happen again. The vets say it is extremely rare they see a case so severe, if ever.

All this to say I am thankful that my girl is still breathing. That she is still running around and living life the way any almost 2-year old dog should. I’m thankful that June 23rd, 2012 ended the way it did. So many different factors could have altered the outcome. The fact that I knew CPR, that Im married to an EMT, that we were close to a vet, that we didn’t get into an accident trying to get there, that she lived.

So yes, a year ago today my puppy died. But she also came back to us! I can hardly believe it was on the same anniversary of our proposal, 3 years ago. Talk about a memorable date. I definitely hugged my husband and my baby a lot closer today. They are my everything.

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Refresh and Restore

It’s been a while since I last posted… Sorry for that. Part of it was that I was crazy busy and the other part being the emotional roller coaster that has become my life. When you embark on this journey of infertility, albeit one no one should ever have to go on, sometimes there are just no words. No words for how you feel, no words that can make you feel better, just silence. That’s where I was for the past month and a half- just trying to navigate through murky waters.

Yet here I am! I have managed to  make it to the surface in one piece, or so it seems right now at least. I have been in some of the darkest places of my life in the past few months, feeling so alone and so betrayed by my own body. I firmly believe now that one cannot understand the full range of emotions that comes along with infertility unless they have been there. And I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemies (as if those exist). Hence why when my friends try to comfort me their words fall on seemingly deaf ears. No matter how hard anyone tried, I still felt profoundly alone in this process. Even with the immense amount of support and love from my husband, it just didn’t seem like enough in those dark times.

I am here to tell you that there is something.. Someone who is enough, more than enough! This pain I feel is real, the heartache, the longing. It does not go away when I am happy, but I can cope with it a lot better now and this is why..

I downloaded an app on my phone called Daughters of the King: Daily Devotionals. Let me tell you, friends, its a good one. While on this constant ride I want oh so desperately to get off of.. I find that its really hard for me to think about anything not fertility related. It has become my life, despite my attempts against it. This devotional has helped me take a little time each day and just be  with God. One of my favorites came last week and it read-

He wants to restore you. Things that are just not true and all of the lies and deception of the enemy, God washes it all away with the water of His Word. He will refresh you and restore you back to His love and grace. Only God can do it. Only He can restore your soul, rekindle your passion for Him, give you healthy emotions, and make your worship to Him through your heart and life beautiful and sweet again.”

How beautiful is that! Look at it again.. Let it sink in.

He wants to restore you, to refresh you.

Sign me up for that!

So take comfort, in the midst of the heartache and the loneliness that you might be feeling, you are not alone. You will be restored and refreshed, your life will be beautiful! The dark days will come to an end and there will be a joy we have never felt. If you are in one of the dark places right now.. You will come out on the other end. Even when I thought it wasn’t possible, I managed it. Surround yourself with uplifting supportive people, and sisters. Don’t try to go through this journey alone. As much as our loved ones are there for us.. Ladies that are TTC need to stick together. There is strength in numbers, and the ability to truly relate to one another. If you need to be picked up, grab a hand. Don’t be shy, we all need a friend.

–On the TTC front we are somewhere in the middle of the ocean without a glimpse of land yet. I received yet another holiday present from mother nature (Memorial Day) and bbt isn’t showing any spike yet. I’m already at cd25… But I didn’t even ovulate until cd42 last cycle. Let me tell you- Vitex needs to start working! 😉 I have my annual appt with my OBGYN on August 2nd, looks like I’ll be asking about ‘next steps’ with her if we don’t get any good news before then. Thankfully this summer is busy and full of fun events to keep me occupied for the most part. 🙂